Mary Sue In Lord of the Rings
by LadyRachael
Summary: The title says it all, really
1. A Man, a Dwarf, and an Elf

(Author's note: I am not ridiculing any one person's story in particular. The only intentional parodies are for LoTR, Space Balls, and Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail")

Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn were walking through a forest when Gimli spoke up and said "What is this, a joke?" 

"Yes, but look ahead, there's someone sitting in the road." replied Aragorn. 

And lo, it was so, a woman dressed in blue velvet was sitting on a large ornate trunk and examining her ragged hem. 

"Excuse me, miss," the woman looked up at Legolas' voice, "Why are you sitting all alone in this forest, especially wearing that?" Legolas indicated her velvet gown, now torn and ragged, with parts of the velvet rubbed bald. 

The woman's eyes grew bright "Oooh, kewlies! Like, you're Legolas, right? You're soo handsome, and these other two must be Aragorn and Gimli. Hi, your majesty, and Gimli, you're so cute! I'm really looking forward to our future scene where I shag one or all of you. As for the dress, it's not supposed to have torn like this, I'm supposed to be able to go through the forest, and numerous battles, while my clothes and hair remain immaculate." 

"Woman, are you ill? Your manner of speech is strange, and your ideas stranger still. Gimli, refrain from threatening the woman with your axe." Aragorn said while holding Gimli back. 

"She called me cute! Dwarves are NOT cute!" 

"Yes, we know, Gimli." 

"Elf, will you shut up already! Don't make me come after you!"

"Gentlemen, please stop arguing. Gimli, put the axe DOWN! Now, lady, what is your name?"

"Ooh, Aragorn, you have such a commanding presence! My name is Sara-Indil, Mary Sue, in the common tongue."

"Well, Mary Sue, we cannot stay here long, so we must bring you with us. What is in that trunk, is it important? We must travel light, so bring only what you need to survive."

"Yes, it is essential to me, but far too heavy to carry. Can one of you strong gentlemen carry it for me?" Mary Sue fluttered her eyelashes at Legolas in entreaty. 

"I'm an archer, not a porter, Gimli, you carry it."

Grumbling, Gimli loaded it onto his back and they set off down the road. 

Several miles down the road, Legolas looked around and said "Where are we? I don't recognize this forest." 

"It's the dark forest of Ewing, home of the Black Beast of Caer Bannog." Mary Sue moved closer to Legolas.

"It's not on the map." He showed it to her.

"Bloody hell, Elf, don't tell me you've gotten us lost!" Gimli dropped the trunk. "What's in this thing anyway?" He opened it. 

Aragorn lifted out a strange object with a large nose and a pronged tail "What manner of creature is this? I told you to bring only what you need to survive!"

"It's my industrial strength hair dryer, and I can't live without it!" she sulked. 

"Very well, YOU carry it. We cannot afford to be delayed further by your silliness." Aragorn dropped the dryer in the dust, and the rest of the party moved out. 

"I hope she stays behind." Gimli growled.

Legolas looked behind him "No such luck, she's running to catch up. Should we run for it, Strider?"

Aragorn sighed "It would be beneath our dignity to run from a harmless, if stupid, woman. Let her catch up."

"You left me! How dare you leave me? I thought you loved me Legolas!" she said we she caught up, short of breath.

"Why in Middle Earth would you think I love you?" 

"You mean you don't find my spirit and beauty irresistible?" Mary Sue seemed confused.

"First off, I am a great deal older than you. Secondly, I have met the most lovely elf maidens in the world and you don't hold a candle. Thirdly, I find your 'spirit' highly irritating. And finally, all MY physical needs are already being met, thank you very much. Isn't that right Gimli?" Legolas fluttered his eyelashes at Gimli.

"Damn it, Elf, I told you we were never to speak of that night again! Before you ask, woman, I feel the same towards you as he does." 

"What about you, Aragorn, don't you find me attractive?" She pleaded.

"No, I also am already taken" he replied and lengthened his stride.


	2. It's a bloody rabbit!

So onward the four traveled through the Dark Forest of Ewing, while the background music grew ever more ominous. They came at last to a dark, foreboding cave, surrounded by bones and discarded armor. 

"Beware, kind sirs, for ahead lies the Black Beast. It is very dangerous. My parents once came to this forest to try to vanquish it and were eaten, all that remains of them are those bones and a few chocolate sprinkles." Mary Sue seemed close to weeping. 

"Chocolate sprinkles?" asked Gimli.

"Yes," she replied, "The foul beast slew them, and then ate them with chocolate sprinkles. It was most horrible to watch."

"Wait a minute, you were there at the time? How did you escape such an evil beast?" Legolas seemed confused, for surely if some creature had eaten her parents it would have been able to eat her too, and the world would have been a better place. 

"I fell through a plot hole and escaped. But look, the Beast comes!" she pointed into the cave, where, sure enough, they could see something stirring. 

Slowly, as the background music swelled to a climax, the Beast crept into the light, step by step, until, in all its horror was revealed …. The Black Beast of Caer Bannog! He scratched one ear with an air of silent menace. 

"IT'S A BLOODY RABBIT!!!" Gimli yelled. And so it was, a large, black, furry rabbit with floppy ears and a tiny pink nose. 

"Not just any rabbit, I'll have you know, that is the most foul tempered rabbit that ever lived! Beware, for Death comes for you with Big Pointy Teeth!" She replied. The rabbit did have teeth that were slightly more carnivorous than you would expect, but still…

"It's a rabbit, you stupid bint!" Gimli shouted at her.

"Gimli, do not harass the feeble minded. She is obviously insane. If you would go slay the rabbit, we can make some stew and camp here for the night. Our supplies run low." Aragorn commanded.

Still grumbling, Gimli grabbed his axe and rushed into the cave. A fierce battle ensued. The rabbit, weaving and biting, seemed to be holding its own while Gimli tried desperately to hack off its head. Suddenly Gimli was saved when the rabbit, after years of eating opponents with chocolate sprinkles, suffered a massive heart attack and died. He chopped off its head, just to make sure, and sat down on a convenient boulder. 

"That was very brave and heroic of you, sir Dwarf. I know you did that out of love for me, and I appreciate the gesture, but…" Mary Sue began when Gimli interrupted her. 

"Aragorn's right, you ARE insane." Gimli took out a knife and she stepped back. He began to skin the rabbit while he continued. "I already told you, I'm not interested, so you can just sod off. I killed this damn thing because he asked me to. Besides, I like rabbit stew. Why don't you make yourself useful and go find some wild onions or something?"

"Oh, I see," she narrowed her eyes, "I have to go find vegetables because I'm the woman, right?" 

"No," Legolas replied, while trying to start the fire, "You have to go find vegetables because none of us want you around, and if we can't be rid of you, you may as well be useful."

Mary Sue stalked off into the forest.

"Not very tactful, gentlemen, but at least it was effective. She is out of our way so we can pitch camp." Aragorn said.

"Do you think we should have warned her about the orcs and giant spiders?" asked Legolas.

They all looked at each other.

"Nah."


	3. I summon Shoes!

(A/N - I still don't own any of these characters. I also make fun of STNG and Charlotte's Web in this chapter.)

After darkness fell, (squashing two spiders and an orc,) Legolas and Aragorn went to look for Sue. Fairly quickly, they heard muffled cursing and followed it to its source. They found Mary Sue tangled in a thorn bush, beating at the branches with a broken stiletto heel. 

"What happened to you?" Legolas asked, trying to suppress a smile.

"My heel broke and I fell into this damned bush."

"You have injured your leg?" he was trying to hide a hopeful expression.

"No, my shoe! I broke my shoe! These things cost two hundred dollars!" she cried, brandishing the shoe at him. He backed away from the lethal footwear.

"Perhaps it is just as well. Those shoes were not made for hiking. Come along, we must go back, I have Gimli tending the camp. Miss, you will have to either walk barefoot or see if Legolas has a spare pair of boots with him. I know I left such things back at camp." Aragorn helped her out of the bush and started back. Mary Sue looked at Legolas. 

"I didn't bring any shoes with me. You'll have to go barefoot." 

"But the ground's sharp and my feet will get dirty." She whined.

"Yes, that's what happens in the middle of the forest, what else can you do?" Legolas asked.

"I can do this…" she said as she started to glow. Her eyes turned a deeper shade of purple and her blond hair began to glow blue at the roots. As she made mystic passes in the air with her hands she spoke the magic words of a summoning spell. "Eeny meenie chili beanie, By the powers of the sky and little furry animals, I summon thee, Oh Nike, Great Goddess of victory and comfortable footwear! I ask that you bestow your blessing on me now, for my shoe is broken and I must continue on my quest! In the words of the Great Picard, Make it So!" There was a blinding flash and a blue cardboard box appeared at her feet. She lifted out a pair of shoes and tied them onto her feet. "Okay, let's go"

"What in the name of Gandalf was that?" Legolas was bewildered and slightly frightened. 

"I can use magic once each day, it's a special ability of mine." she replied, jogging ahead

"And you used it to summon footwear? Why didn't you mention it earlier? You said the rabbit killed your parents, why didn't you use it then, or help Gimli?" he asked.

"I needed some nice shoes, and don't try to be logical about my abilities. I'm not supposed to be logical. Things just happen. It's my job to either be rescued or to rescue you guys." she replied.   
"Crazy." Legolas shook his head.

When they reached the camp, Aragorn called out to them "What took you two so long?"

Legolas sat beside the fire and dished out a bowl of stew "She stopped to summon footwear. Apparently she gets all glowy when she does magic but she can only do it once a day."

Aragorn looked at her feet. "Odd looking shoes," he said, "Did the fact that you can do magic once a day not seem like something we should have known? Did you not realise how important that could be to our group? And you waste this days allotment of magic on shoes? What if we get attacked in the night?"

"Funny you should say that!" the dwarf grabbed his axe and pointed to the left.

A giant spider crawled out of the woods and came towards them.

"Wow, Charlotte's really let herself go." muttered Legolas as he fired an arrow.


	4. Charlotte gone bad

(A/N: I do not own any of these characters. Mary Sue is based loosely on all the original and highly improbable characters I have read in fanfics to this point. Any resemblance to your characters is unintentional and probably a figment of your imagination.)

The spider moved closer, its black limbs highlighted in silver with the moonlight and its red eyes gleaming in the dark. "Give me the girl!" it hissed, reaching for her with two long and evil legs. She screamed and hid behind Legolas.

"I say we do it," whispered Gimli to Aragorn, "With any luck it'll choke on her and give us time to escape."

"Not very chivalrous, Gimli." There was a note of mild rebuke in Aragorn's voice.

"Bugger chivalry, she called me cute!" Gimli muttered under his breath.

Aragorn addressed the spider. "Why do you want her?"

The spider smiled evilly, which is hard to do without lips. "My lord Sauron commands. Unfortunately he wants her alive, for she looks quite tasty."

Mary Sue tried to leap into Legolas' arms. He dropped her on the ground

"OW!"

"Will you STAY OFF ME, woman!" Legolas shouted, straightening his tunic.

"Tempting as the offer may be," Aragorn said, ignoring Mary Sue's cry of outrage, "We cannot let you take her." 

Gimli muttered rebelliously.

"Well then, let us see how six arms fare against eight, and when you are dead I will still take the girl." The spider said and reached for Aragorn, who drew his sword and chopped off the spider's arm at the elbow.

"Seven to six, now, the odds re beginning to narrow."

"I will destroy you!"

Legolas' arrow took out an eye while Gimli and his axe made short work of two more arms. Meanwhile, Mary Sue screamed continuously in the background.

"Can't someone shut her up?" Legolas asked Gimli.

"Only if we kill her ourselves, and Aragorn won't allow that." Gimli replied

They took out their frustration on the spider, who twitched its remaining legs and rolled over on its back. With its last breath it screamed "Raid!" and died.

The party peered into the forest, afraid the spider may have summoned reinforcements with its dying breath. Nothing else appeared, much to their relief. 

"Quickly, we must break camp and move. That carcass will attract scavengers, at the very least." Aragorn addressed the group. 

"You, miss, will carry the stew and anything we need that does not fit in the packs. We have saved your life, against my better judgment, and you will make yourself useful." he said to Mary Sue as he cleaned his sword in the grass. 

The others quickly set to work, dousing the fire and assembling the packs. Mary Sue pulled a bag out of her bodice, slightly deflating her chest size, so she could have something to use as a pack. Everyone pretended not to notice. 

She wept quietly as the group set out, and found herself at the end of the line, next to Gimli, who glared at her. He quickened his pace slightly to put as much distance as possible between them. 

*Sniff* "Meanies, why don't they like me? I'm beautiful and have magic, why aren't they interested?" she muttered to herself, loud enough for Gimli to hear. 

"Possibly because you're a bloody pain in the arse who has caused no end of trouble since we met you. Lass, we have friends we're trying to rescue and you're in the bloody way. Aragorn feels we are honor bound to protect you, otherwise we'd have let the damned spider back there have you. So shut up, keep up, and if something happens, stay quiet and get the hell out of the way! Our lives are difficult enough already without another person in the group." Gimli grumbled.

Mary Sue gritted her teeth and walked faster. 


	5. There are twenty Rings, you do not have ...

They traveled through the night, with Aragorn scouting ahead and Gimli as rearguard. Mary Sue walked in the middle with Legolas, who was desperately hoping she would refrain from any embarrassing declarations of love. Gimli had already teased him about his "girlfriend" and made a few cutting remarks about "robbing the cradle." A flash of silver in the moonlight caught his eye. He turned to see Sue playing with something in her hands, jewelry of some sort?

"What's that?" he asked.

"It's my Ring. It's very powerful and if I used it right it could even defeat Sauron!" she said proudly.

"You have a Ring of Power?" Legolas asked skeptically.

"Of course I do," she replied, "Haven't you heard the tale?"

Mary Sue took a deep breath and chanted "Three Rings for the Elven kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf lords in their halls of stone, Nine for mortal Men, doomed to die, One for the Dark Lord, on his dark throne, In the land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to take them all, And in the darkness bind them, In Mordor where the Shadows lie. Oh, and one extra Ring for Mary Sue, because narrative tension is unimportant."

"I don't think I've heard it like that before…"said Legolas, doubtfully.

"Hush! You fools, Aragorn says we're getting close, let's not bring the orcs down upon us." Gimli whispered harshly.

Legolas whispered back "Mary Sue says she has a Ring of Power."

"What? Who'd she steal it from?" Gimli glared at her.

"I didn't steal it! It's mine! Sauron gave it to me himself because I'm his father's brother's cousin's nephew's best friend's former roommate's great granddaughter!" she replied hotly.

Gimli stared at her while Legolas tried to figure this out.

"What does that make her?" Gimli asked.

"Crazy, and absolutely nothing." Legolas replied.

Aragorn strode into view and asked "What's going on back here? I can hear you three half a league up the trail."

"Nothing." said Mary Sue while Legolas and Gimli made "She's Crazy" motions behind her back.

"That's right, Aragorn, we're just talking to Mary Sue because she claims to have the twenty-first Ring that was given to her personally by Sauron because of some silly, half assed notion that they're somehow related." Gimli said with scorn. 

Aragorn turned on her "You have met Sauron, in person, and were not injured?" he asked with an edge in his voice.

"I suffered a mild case of dehydration and hunger because the food there was horrible, but no, otherwise I was fine. His minions found me and brought me to him after my parents died and he told me how we were related and gave me my Ring. I found out he was evil really and escaped to come help you. I wandered, lost, for several days before you found me." she replied, slightly confused.

"Damn! Diversionary tactics!" he muttered under his breath and turned to Legolas. In Elvish he asked *Do you still have any rope?*

Legolas replied in the same language *Yes, I'll go get it now. You need it for her?* his eyes flicked to where Mary Sue was standing, bewildered. 

*She was sent only to delay us. She may be telling the truth, and innocent of Sauron's designs, but we can't risk it. Return quickly, friend.* Aragorn said. As Legolas sprinted away he spoke to Mary Sue again. "Legolas has gone to fetch something for me, please tell me more about yourself." 

His charm worked its magic again and Mary Sue started telling them her life story. Halfway through, Gimli fell asleep, propped up by his axe handle. 

"… and that's how I found myself in the forest with my trunk, right before you found me." she finished. 

"Fascinating." Aragorn said, gently nudging Gimli with his foot. 

"Huh? Oh yes, how interesting." said Gimli as he woke up.

Just then, Legolas returned with the elven rope. Aragorn nodded to him and grabbed one end. Moving quickly, they gently held Mary Sue against a tree and tied her to it. Her stream of obscenities caused Gimli to start taking notes and Legolas to shove a spare piece of cloth in her mouth as a gag. He barely missed getting his fingers bitten. Aragorn shook his finger in her face, unimpressed by her look of rage and betrayal. 

"Now, now Mary Sue, we hate to have to leave you like this…" Aragorn began.

"I don't!" said Gimli and Aragorn glared at him.

"But we really need to rescue our friends. Since you and Sauron are so close…" he continued.

"Crazy woman." muttered Legolas.

"Quit interrupting me!" said Aragorn. "As I was saying, since you and Sauron are so close, he should send some minions by before you starve to death. If you're lucky, he won't torture you. He does tend to do that a great deal, especially if he feels you've failed him. Farewell." He nodded to the other two and they set off to catch the Uruk-hai that had stolen Merry and Pippin.

"Glad to be rid of that baggage." said Gimli, as they rounded a bend in the trail.

"There really wasn't that much to carry once we were rid of that stupid 'hair dryer' contraption." replied Legolas. 

"I was talking about Mary Sue." said Gimli. 

The last words she heard before their voices faded completely was Legolas wondering "I wonder what will happen to her now?"


	6. Poor Dragon

Several days later, in Mordor, Sauron was reviewing battle plans in his throne room. The general of his evil minions entered and dropped to one knee. Sauron motioned for him to speak. 

"My lord, your captive, Mary Sue, is annoying the horde again." he said.

"What now?" Sauron asked.

"She's singing again, my lord. This is the third night in a row that her off pitch voice has kept the dungeon orcs awake. They are getting restless, my lord, and you know the problems we have when the orcs are restless. Also, she won't shut up about the powers of her 'Ring' and keeps trying to escape. We finally had to take it away. She's even tried flirting with the Witch-King!" he replied, keeping his eyes down.

"Are you presuming to instruct me on what I should do in my own castle?" Sauron's voice was soft but deadly as he questioned his general. 

"No, my lord, of course not." his servant tried to sink into the floor. 

"Very well. I refuse to spend another night telling bedtime stories to insomniac orcs. Since she is so enamored of the Witch King, feed her to his dragon." the Dark Lord waved his minion away.

"Yes, my lord." he replied, and backed out of the throne room, keeping his eyes down and his back to the door until it shut in his face. 

An hour later, Mary Sue was thrown to the dragon and balance was restored to Middle Earth, all except for the dragon's indigestion. 


End file.
